Do's
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DO allow the bereaved to express as much grief as they are able and are
willing to share with you.
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DO ask them to share pictures and mementoes of their baby with you.
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DO allow them to express as much unhappiness as they are feeling and willing
to share with you.
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DO allow them to talk about their loss as much and as often as they want to.
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DO be available to listen, to run errands, to help with the other children,
or whatever else seems needed at the time.
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DO deal with the grieving individual gently and positively.
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DO encourage them to be patient with themselves and not to expect too much
of themselves.
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DO encourage them to not impose any “shoulds” or “I should be” on
themselves.
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DO give special attention to the child's siblings, if he or she has any, in
the months to come. They are often in need of attention which their parents
may not be able to give.
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DO let your genuine concern and caring show.
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DO offer specific help such as running errands, helping complete tax or
medical forms, or helping make funeral or cremation arrangements.
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DO offer to be a friend.
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DO recognize that grieving has no time limit and varies from individual to
individual both in the way they express their grief and the time required to
stabilize.
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DO talk about your memories of the deceased child and the special qualities
that made the child endearing.
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DO tell the family how sorry you are about the child’s death and about the
pain they must be feeling.
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DO acknowledge the death through visits, phone calls, sympathy cards,
donations, and flowers.
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DO remember important days such as birthdays, the death anniversary
(sometimes referred to as the “angel date”) Mother's Day, Father's Day, and
any other significant day that may be difficult for the bereaved. The
holidays following a loss will probably be especially difficult for the
parents. A telephone call, visit, or card means a great deal to a bereaved
parent, especially months after the fact.
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DO call often, but realize that your bereaved relative or friend may not
feel like talking at that time or return phone calls right away. They will
appreciate the opportunity and feel comforted by your efforts.
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DO understand that nothing you say will ever make the bereaved parent sadder
than the reality of what has happened to their child.
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DO talk in your natural tone of voice.
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DO tell the bereaved family how much you care.
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DO remember it is usually the simple little things you say or do that mean
so much.
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DO listen.
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DO continue to support bereaved parents well beyond the acute mourning
period, even if it means years.
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DO congratulate the bereaved on good news while appreciating that they still
carry a tremendous burden of grief.
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DO find local support through bereavement groups, church, synagogue,
bereavement organizations and forward the information to the bereaved
family.
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Be sensitive that being in the presence of pregnant women or children of
similar age to the deceased may make the bereaved parent uncomfortable.
Attending baby showers and holding a child may be traumatic for a bereaved
parent for a long time. Let them know that you support their decision to bow
out of baby showers or similar events for awhile.
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DO give the bereaved time to resume the activities they participated in
before their loss.
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Know that effort of any kind is appreciated.
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DO learn how to give good hugs. The bereaved need every heartfelt hug they
can get.
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Expect your relationship with the bereaved to change. When you are bereaved,
every relationship is affected in one way or another.
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Share your own good news with the bereaved. They still want to hear it.
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DO say any of the following:
- Call me at any time if you ever need to talk.
- I can't begin to imagine how you feel.
- I am so sorry for your loss.
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DO offer to take care of the bereaved's pets for them.
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DO talk to your own children about your friend or relative’s loss.
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DO know the correct terminology regarding miscarriage/stillbirth/infant
loss. A miscarriage is the in-utero death of a baby before the baby has
reached 20 weeks of gestation. A stillbirth is the in-utero death of a baby
after 20 weeks gestation. Infant loss refers to a live birth followed by the
death of the child shortly after birth, or days, weeks or even months after
birth.
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DON’T avoid mentioning their loss or the child's name out of fear of
reminding them of their pain (they haven't forgotten it).
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expect them to want to be around your baby or child for awhile.
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refer to the dead baby as “it” or "the fetus.” If the pregnancy was far
enough along that the sex of the child was developed, refer to the baby as
him or her or by the baby’s name. If the loss was a miscarriage, refer to
the fetus as “the baby.”
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change the subject when they mention their dead child.
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DON’T tell them what they should feel or do.
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DON'T avoid the bereaved parents because you are uncomfortable (being
avoided by friends adds pain to an already painful experience.)
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DON'T let your friends, family or co-workers grieve alone. There is a
tremendous sense of isolation and abandonment during the grief process. You
can help by caring, by being there, and by being the best friend you can.
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make any comments which in any way suggest that their loss was their fault.
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DON’T point out that at least they have their other children (children are
not interchangeable; they can not replace each other).
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say “You can always have another child.”
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say “you should be coping or feeling better by now” or anything else which
may seem judgmental about their progress in grieving.
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DON'T say that you know how they feel. Unless you've experienced the loss of
a child yourself, you probably don't know how they feel.
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DON'T suggest that they should be grateful for their other children. Grief
over the loss of one child does not discount the parents’ love and
appreciation of their living children.
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DON'T tell them not to cry. It hurts us to see them cry and makes us sad.
But, by telling them not to cry, we are trying to take their grief away from
them.
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DON'T try to find something positive (e.g. a moral lesson, closer family
ties, etc.) about the loss. Avoid making statements like, "it was God's
will," "God knows best," “all things happen for a reason,” or “this is
nature’s way.”
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DON'T suggest the parents consider adopting a child or getting a pet to help
them overcome their loss.
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allow your own fears prevent you from offering support to the bereaved.