January - March, 2003

Children's Health

In defense of downtime: Experts encourage parents to teach ways to cope with stress of being a child

New schools, tough teachers, peer pressure and high parental and teacher expectations are all stressors in children’s lives. Stress is any kind of event that requires adaptation, whether it is good or bad.

Jennifer Covell is a seventh grader at Cherokee Middle School and is involved in many activities. As well as keeping her grades to A’s and B’s, Jennifer is on two basketball teams, practicing three to five nights a week, several school clubs and was involved in swimming until “basketball got in the way.”

While this 12-year-old has many of her own expectations, she still has to work hard for her teacher and parents.
“If I get a “C” or below I get grounded,” Jennifer says. “It is really important for me to get good grades for myself. If I get a bad grade it really affects my self-esteem. I get really disappointed in myself.”

Jennifer says that doesn’t usually happen, but she can remember one time not so long ago that she struggled with her grades. She says when her grandpa died her world seemed a little more complicated to stay up with. All of a sudden leaving school for a funeral and coming back to make up homework in addition to everyday homework made her life a little more complicated, and amidst all of this, she was missing someone very important in her life.

“I had to miss two weeks of school,” Jennifer says. “Even though he lived in Texas I was still close to him and I was really stressed out because I was dealing with that, but I also had two weeks of extra homework and no teachers to teach it to me.”

St. John’s Behavioral Health psychologist Joyce Noble, Ph.D., says as children get older their stressors change from learning how to tie their shoes to making school teams, peer pressure and bullies.

“As you get into junior high and high school, children start feeling higher expectations from their teachers and parents,” Noble says. “All children deal with their stressors differently. The temperament of the child and his/her capabilities will play a role in how he/she reacts to different stressors.”

Jennifer says being on two basketball teams can be busy, but is a great way to forget about anything else that is going on in her life.

“I go from school to practice and then home,” Jennifer says. “Basketball is a great stress reliever for me because I love it. When I am out there I am just playing basketball.”

Noble says it is important to consider how much support is in a child’s environment. It is much easier for a child to cope with his/her environment (school, sports and friends) than it is to deal with a larger environment (loved one dying or divorced parents).

“We expect them to be more mature and when other issues such as a death or a divorce take place we want them to take it in stride, and it doesn’t work like that,” Noble says.

Cherokee Middle School Guidance Counselor LaRaine Evans says most stressed-out kids don’t usually talk about what’s affecting them, and it is important to have open communication with children.

“Teachers and school counselors do a very good job of listening and noticing if things are different about a child. Communication among parents and children on a daily basis is important. Parents cannot keep up with their child’s life by talking with them once a week. It is important that parents do not accept “nothing” as an answer to questions regarding their child’s life. That is not an answer. Parents need to find out what their kids are doing, who their friends are, and they can do that by talking with them. When that line of communication is open, parents will know when something is off kilter.”

Evans adds that today’s children are being raised in a busy society and that is what they are used to.

“These children are used to being busy. Busy doesn’t necessarily mean stressed,” Evans says. “While some kids can be over scheduled it is still important to let them do things that they enjoy. Communicate and allow the kids to know that if something is throwing them off balance there is a way out and people who will help.”

Jennifer says when she’s feeling overwhelmed she likes to spend time in her room listening to music or reading. She says her parents are aware that things can get hectic in her life and when she needs a break they encourage her to take one.

“My parents comfort me and listen to me,” Jennifer says. “They let me know that as long as I am doing my best I can’t do anymore.”

Noble says that having some down time is important, not just for adults but for kids too.

“One of the best ways to buffer stress is just to allow children down time. That’s not wasted time, that’s time that the child can think and dream instead of being bombarded with keeping up with what someone else wants them to do,” Noble says.

Noble says it is good to have positive stressors in a child’s life, such as feeling challenged, but capable.

“When we start placing all of these unattainable expectations on our children, that’s when they start to feel overwhelmed. We need to have reasonable expectations at that time for that child.”

Evans says that Cherokee, along with the other Springfield schools, work with parents to keep kids from becoming overwhelmed.

“We have had grief groups for those children who have lost an immediate family member (mom, dad, brother or sister) and try to help with blended family groups. When two families are put together it can cause some added stress. We do whatever we can to work together to help the child. We (parents and teachers) have to be aware that there are changes in our children’s lives, and there are ways to help them cope with those changes.”

Noble adds that under certain circumstances parents pass down their stress levels to their children. Parents who are over worked or constantly worried about bills will unintentionally present a hurried “I’m too busy,” “I don’t have time for this,” or “don’t bother me now” kind of front to their child.

“Children will be less likely to seek out their parents as a buffer and a resource or comforter if they have the feeling that they will just be another problem.”

Noble says two of the biggest stressors in a child’s life is loss of a parent or loved one through death or divorce and school. She says children are not as easily able to connect all of the feelings they have to words, so a lot of their stressors are made visible through actions such as temper tantrums, anger, or excessive crying.

“Knowing your child is most important. Stress can improve performance and spur children and adults to do more than they thought they could. The child should feel challenged, but like they can succeed. Notice when a child tries hard and then comment on it. This is building your child’s self-esteem based on real life events where they are showing good effort or good results. By pointing out what the child is doing right, the parent is creating a great stress buffer at home.”

Noble says there are two kinds of stress; things you can do something about and things that you can’t. If you know there is going to be a period of high stress for your child because there has been a divorce or you have moved, then you may want to cut back on some of the things you can control such as the activities or expectations and spend more time with your child.

 If your child is showing signs of overwhelming stress, contact St. John’s Behavioral Health Services at 841-3707.

Common Childhood Stressors

• Separated or divorced parents
• Death in the family
• Too much homework, not being able to do the work
• Dealing with difficult teachers
• Fitting in with peers
• Organized sports, dance or music recitals (emphasis on winning and being the best)
• Physical, social, emotional and intellectual changes
• One or both parents losing a job
• Financial problems
• Too many activities and no time to rest or relax

Physical Signs of Stress

• Sleep problems
• Nightmares
• Bedwetting
• Baby talk
• Excessive crying or crying over minor things
• Irritability
• Inability to relax or have fun
• Tummy aches
• Headaches
• Bowel problems

How Parents Can Help

• Listen to your children, and encourage them to express their feelings even if you disagree
• Allow them their feelings. Instead of saying, “Don’t feel sad about losing the game,” say, “I know you feel sad, but I’m proud that you tried.”
• Respect their privacy
• Be observant
• Encourage relaxation and exercise
• Provide good nutrition, regular bedtimes and opportunities to talk
• Show interest in what your child does at school
• Praise effort even when accomplishments are small
• Be in touch with teachers. Let them know if situations at home are causing stress
• Don’t put too much emphasis on grades
• Set limits. Some experiences should still be “not for children.”
• Share your values. Children need to know your values to guide them in forming their own.
• Put less emphasis on winning. Training and getting experience are worthwhile reasons for competing.